Friday, June 15, 2007

Homesick

Well, if today and this weekend prove to be anything like this morning...it's going to be quite a ride.

My excitement about Ohio's first Regional Burn has been building to a fever pitch. But, after getting to work on time for the first time in some time...I read the news back in Austin via the Statesman and the Chronicle while eating my pop tarts...and my excitement turned to melancholy.

I've missed Austin for some time. I hated it by the time I left. Mainly out of frustration with the job market. I made some mistakes in that area and it cost me a LOT. More than it probably would have somewhere less competitive. Mainly mad at myself...but you know how that goes.

But, after coming back to the mid west, something I SWORE I wouldn't do and didn't want to, I really, really missed the trappings of urban life and I really missed the hippie-dippie-slacker vibe of Austin.

But, today, for the first time, I am truly, truly homesick.

Ironically, I think it's going to the burn that's the cause.

I mean, in Austin there were opportunities and spots to hang out with all kinds of people all the time. Flipside, Texas's regional burn attracts a couple thousand people...Ohio's first is slated to maybe crack 200.

I mean, it's really simple to say I don't fit in here. Any jackass can see that. "Get out there and find something." Yeah, you come try. I've been trying for two years. I've been called "Fag!" for wearing cowboy boots, jeans and a nice button up (not kidding), had girls say "Why are you buying a motorcycle? No one rides a motorcycle here," and "Aren't you kind of old to be working at beedubs?" These are merly the first three that popped into my head and don't mention the countless racist and ignorant things I've heard people say.

I mean, none of that stuff would raise an eyebrow in Austin and even if you found the one douche that it would bother, you'd have any number of nice, comfy holes to climb into with a group of like minded folk to tell you what a douche they were.

I've made it two years with almost no respit and certainly no shelter from the pervasive homogeneous, lame, narrow-minded, white, rich culture here. The maintenance of that homogeny is so brutal that I've actually given in and let go of some of the more flamboyant, expressive clothes I own and toned down my outward appearance. Getting gawked at gets old. Fast.

I read about Emo's fifteenth anniversary and Lovejoys and Casino El Camino and Manu Chao playing at Stubb's (that one hurt...BAD). If there were shows like that, bars like that, even a fraction as many, I could make it. But the hour trip to Cinci or Dayton is just brutal on my schedule and means. It was so easy in Austin. Having fun or blowing off steam was SO EASY. It is HARD here.

It's an ironic time for this little melancholic bit of brooding and self-reflection, too. I've been feeling more "me" lately than I have in some time. Getting out and traveling, having new experiences, etc has really brought my mojo back. But, that may be part of what's stirred the pot and helped once again show quite a contrast between ME and HERE.

I guess I head into the weekend not as hopeful as before. I had hoped to have a ton of neo-hippie friends by the end of the weekend to salve my soul as all of my varied friends and acquaintances did back home. But, now, I just want to go and have fun and see what's up. I'm more curious than hopeful.

This might be a defense mechanism kicking in, my way of avoiding potentially brutal disappointment. But, we shall see.

For what it's worth, to all my friends and family (not much of a difference there to me) back home. I miss you dearly and appreciate you more than ever. I know I strain you sometimes with my phone calls and e-mails bitching about this place. I know you probably groaned out loud when I got accepted to grad school and signed on for three more years.

I just want you all to know that I love you, I'm going to visit as much as I can and I'll be home as soon as I can be. I just have to make something of this exile in hell before I come home. It's a moral imperative. I hope you understand.

2 Comments:

Blogger Ladi Blaze said...

So while I understand your frustration with the environment where you are I think that you are being a bit harsh. I believe that happiness and acceptance starts from within. Maybe you did move to the outskirts of po-dunk Ohio but you still have a world of cool people and entertainment within an arms reach.
Cincinnati is not that far and there are a ton of great bands and people here. my response to people who think this city is to conservative is that they know all the wrong people. Ok, well I will admit that our leaders here and our general society might be in the middle ages but there are a bunch of dirty hippies like myself to make this city a different experience if you are up to it. It's all relative to your mind state. You can have as much fun as you want to. I don't believe that a city changes my beliefs or moral standings, and just maybe in an environment so far from my truths, I will learn even more and grow. And you never know sometimes you might just effect the people around you. If meeting one person and exposing them to someone like yourself whose beliefs and ideas are so outside their normal encounters opens their mind just a little bit, well you have served your purpose for being there. maybe this weekend will cheer you up a bit. I am sure even with the small numbers, if you hang out with me you will meet a whole new world of cool people. See you later sugar! Perk up will you! I might have to tickle you till you pee if you are this somber later! peace

June 15, 2007 7:07 AM  
Blogger yaw said...

That's what you get for moving to Oxford mwahahaha! It's a shame Antioch is stuggling so much. Our world needs more of us.

July 10, 2007 2:55 PM  

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